


Just Your Average Bar-B-Que

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-20
Updated: 2006-03-20
Packaged: 2019-02-02 17:39:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12731235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: A bar-b-que at Jack's house is never a simple affair.





	Just Your Average Bar-B-Que

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

Ya, know, I just can't figure out how I get myself into these fixes. I'm not the one who rushes headlong where angels fear to tread. I'm not the one who is constantly being reminded not to touch. *I* am not the one who has absolutely no sense of self-preservation. No all of those fine qualities belong to the man currently sitting cross- legged on the floor, in front of my computer desk looking like a five year old who has just had his last box of crayons stomped on by the neighborhood bully. One guess as to whom he has cast in the role of said bully. 

Yet here I stand, hip deep in the proverbial shit as every person in the room stares at me with a mixture of anger, disappointment and/or hurt. And I do mean everyone. Carter may have her hand moving in small comforting circles across Daniel's shoulders as she tells him not to worry, they'll figure something out. And Teal'c may be standing silently beside the two of them, preventing me from getting anywhere close to the man sitting on the floor. But trust me, those looks Carter and Teal'c keep giving each other and the ones currently being directed at yours truly, leave no doubt that I will be paying for this for a long time. A *very* long time.

Oh, and let's not forget about our petite CMO and her lovely daughter. Cassie is standing about two feet from Daniel with her arms hugging her own waist, and looking up at me through damp eyelashes, lower lip trembling and her teeth working that lip so hard you just know it's gonna bruise. I swear that girl has been taking lessons from Daniel! It would also appear by the look of utter hurt and betrayal on her face that she has come to the unmistakable conclusion that her Uncle Jack, really is one cold hearted SOB. 

Janet, on the other hand is simply outraged. Did I say outraged? Incensed would probably be a better word for it. Between my upsetting Daniel and crushing Cassie's illusions, and forcing her to do something she didn't want to do, I foresee a lot of very big needles in my future.

As I stand here looking at the five faces of my accusers, I can't help but wonder once again just how the hell I managed to get into this. My eyes scan the room and finally settle on Daniel's face, and the reason I'm in this mess hits me like a ton of bricks. I'm not the one with the big blue eyes that still, after all this time, manage to look at the universe with a sense of awe. I'm not the one who, despite all evidence to the contrary, will try and see the good in people. *I* am not the one with a pout that insures all who witness it, will forever and always appoint themselves Daniel's personal guard.

Nope, *I* happen to be the lowlife who put that pout on Daniel's face. But damnit! Somebody had to be the voice of reason.

I guess for any of this to make sense, I really should start at the beginning. Okay kids, have a seat and let old Uncle Jack tell you how he came to be in this mess. Trust me on this one, it's a long convoluted story, really long.

It all started quite innocently enough, a bar-b-que at my house to celebrate Cassie's admittance into John's Hopkins University. Every one was having a very pleasant time and for once it seemed like things were finally going our way. Daniel, Carter, Teal'c, Doc, Cassie and myself were happily engaged in a very interesting game of volleyball. Daniel, Carter, and Doc who has a mean spike by the way and is *way* more competitive than any one her size has a right to be, against me, Teal'c, and Cassie. Like I said, everything was going fine. I so should have known it wouldn't last.

You know how in the movies, when something bad happens they slow the film down so that it takes longer and therefore drags out the emotional impact to the fullest. Well, that's kinda what happened here. Everything slowed down, and I watched in horror as Daniel and Doc both dove for the ball at the same time. Doc's face connected with Daniel's chin, causing his head to snap back and at the same time, their bodies collided with each other, hitting the ground and rolling till Daniel was sprawled out across Doc. All you could see of the petite woman was one arm clutching tightly to Daniels waist and her short little legs tangled up in Daniel's long ones. Suddenly time was back to normal and we were all rushing towards our fallen comrades yelling:

"Mom!

"Daniel"

"Janet!"

"DanielJackson, DoctorFrasier!"

Carter reached them first and began checking them for injuries. "Oww, that hurt," mumbled Janet from somewhere underneath 180 lbs of obviously dazed archeologist. I came to a stop, dropping to my knees beside the tangled bodies, and gave an audible sigh of relief at Doc's words and Daniel's answering. "Oh, god." I reached out a hand to help Daniel roll off of the petite woman and got a real good look at both of them. Daniel's lip was bleeding and beginning to swell, Doc had a gash below her right eye that was definitely gonna leave a humdinger of a shiner and since both were in shorts and t-shirts, there were numerous cuts and scrapes all over their arms and legs, particularly their elbows and knees. 'Damn', I think, 'that's gotta hurt!'

As we got them sitting up, Teal'c helping Doc, me helping Daniel, I looked at Cassie and told her to go into the house and get the first aid kit from under the sink. She headed off in a dead run toward the house and Daniel finally managed to get a good look at Doc, "Shit! Janet! Are you alright? I'm so sorry!" 

Doc on the other hand was staring at Daniel and asking him the same thing and of course they both answered "I'm fine." Yeah, right, sure they are. Both of them were sitting on the grass, blood on their faces, elbows, knees and various other places, both still with a very glassy look in their eyes and they're fine. I looked at Carter who just rolled hers eyes and shruged. Very helpful.

Cassie came back out with the first aid kit and handed it to Teal'c who started handing out antiseptic wipes to Carter and myself. However, before we could even begin cleaning them up Daniel started in. "Ummm Jack, I'm fine really, but don't you think we should get Janet into the house where she'll be more comfortable." Of course the fact that he was trying to talk around a swollen and split lip didn't convince anyone that's he was fine, nor did the fact that he finished that sentence by spitting out a mouthful of blood. But he did have a point, Janet wasn't looking so good and maybe getting her out of the sun would be a smart idea.

As Carter and I helped Daniel to his feet, Teal'c gently picked Doc up, who by this time was voicing her objections to being carried and was stating rather loudly that she was perfectly capable of walking into the house herself. Carter and I just ignored her, partly because Teal'c wouldn't put her down at this point even if we told him too and partly because Daniel was busy gripping in both our ears that he didn't need any help, even though he was definitely favoring his right ankle.

So, my ragtag little family slowly made its' way into the house with Cassie taking the lead and directing Teal'c to place her mother on the sofa, while Carter and I were told to let Daniel have the recliner. (I think she's also been taking lessons from Doc).

Let me tell you, trying to doctor Daniel when he doesn't want to be doctored is like trying to pull teeth from an angry crocodile, and not near as much fun. However I expected that, I've known the man for years and he never has liked having anyone make a fuss over him, especially when someone else is hurt or sick. The Doc, however, was a surprise. Who knew she would be a worse patient than Daniel, constantly brushing Carter's hands away and stating repeatedly that she was fine, she *was* a doctor and in fact had a patient she needed to look after. Personally, I think they both were feeling guilty for slamming into one another.

There we were, me yelling at Daniel to just please keep the ice pack on his lip and be quiet long enough for me to check his ankle, Carter yelling at Frasier and informing her that they were not on the base and therefore, she could just stop already with the "I out rank you in all medical matters" argument, 'cause it wasn't gonna fly, and Cassie looking like she had just stepped into a war zone with the cast from Monty Python. You know the look, confused, bewildered and slightly terrified at the notion that *we* were the adults in her life.

"ENOUGH!!" 

Startled, we all turned and looked at Teal'c (all right, I'll admit it, I jumped about two feet in the air first), "DoctorFrasier, you *will* allow MajorCarter to see to your injuries, DanielJackson, *you* will allow O'Neill to look at your ankle, and all four of you will cease this yelling immediately."

When Teal'c says enough, he means enough; however, since most of his demands had been directed at Daniel and Doc, Carter and I were rather smug when we turned back to our respective patients, who were suddenly very cooperative.

We quickly realized that neither one of them was seriously hurt, but I knew they had to be in pain. Doc's eye was almost swollen shut and we closed the gash below it with some butterfly strips. She had a rather nice bump on the back of her head, one elbow and both knees were so scraped up they looked like they belonged to an eight year old instead of a full grown woman.

Daniel didn't look any better, his lower lip was twice it's normal size making it look like he was constantly pouting, but at least it had quit bleeding, he had a bruise forming along his jaw line and like Doc, his knees and elbows looked like they should be on a kid. His right ankle *was* swollen, but thankfully it wasn't broken, just sprained. Doc, however, was insisting that he get it X-rayed anyway because there might be some damage to his ligaments or tendons and Daniel was of course stating that an X-ray wasn't necessary and he had no intention of going to the mountain today. 

I, on the other hand, had no intention of telling Daniel he was fighting a losing battle. He's a bright guy, he'd figure it out. I also had no intention of telling Doc that while we were at the mountain, she was going to get that knot on the back of her head looked at. I'm a bright guy too, and no way I want an angry pixie with large needles at her beck and call setting her sights on my backside anytime in the near future. Therefore, I figured I'd just wait till we got there and let Warner tell her. I mean, come on, one look at Doc's face and she'd be lucky if *all* they did was X-ray that bump. I had a sneaky suspicion that a CAT scan might be in her future.

All of a sudden Cassie, who had gone to get some Tylenol from the bathroom, hollered "UNCLE JACK! Come here, QUICK!"

"Oh for cryin out loud! Now what?"

* * *

I immediately headed in the direction Cassie's rather impassioned plea came from knowing without a doubt that Carter and Teal'c would be right behind me and following them, our walking wounded, Daniel and Doc. What could I say, where one goes the others follow. 

I found Cassie standing, not in the bathroom, but across the hall in my office with her eyes as big as saucers and all the color draining from her face. My training kicked in and I quickly scaned the room as I make my way toward the obviously frightened teen and silently wished I had a zat. 

"Cass, what is it honey?" I asked. Just then I heard it, a strange noise coming from under the computer desk which coincidently was where Cassie was staring transfixed. Oh you have got to be kidding me!

By this time, everyone else had made it into the room, Doc rushing to her daughter's side and Daniel hopping over to the desk to peer underneath it. "Daniel." I warned, just as he reached his hand out to touch it (see what'd I tell ya, he just can't help himself) "Don't touch." Right, like he's actually going to listen this time.

"Jack," he said with a hint of exasperation in his voice, "it's just a stray."

"I know it's a stray Daniel," I replied through gritted teeth, "it's a stray cat, a stray cat that is in labor I might add so I don't think touching --" I'm interrupted as Daniel yelped and snatched his hand back, "is a good idea." I finished lamely, reaching for Daniel's hand and looking for bite marks.

"Damnit Daniel," I muttered, shaking my head at the bleeding gash across his forearm and hand. "You just had to touch didn't ya?"

Daniel shot me one of those patented glares of his and snatched his hand back stating "it's just a scratch." Just a scratch my ass, that cat may not have bitten him, but she sure did manage to dig her claws in pretty deep. 

Of course, it didn't take long for Doc to take possession of Daniel freshly mauled arm, nor did it take her long to pin me with that angry frown of hers that always silently screams, 'why the hell did you let him touch that?' Hey! I tried to warn him! Did I mention Doc is even scarier when she glares at you with one eye? 

"Okay," Doc began, "Let's go to the mountain, I can disinfect this better there and I really want to get that ankle X-rayed." 

Daniel and Cassie both shoot worried glances in the direction of the very soon to be mama cat and started to protest leaving her alone. "It's a cat, for cryin out loud, trust me cats have been having kittens unattended since time began." I swear to you I was trying to be patient and under normal circumstances I would have been all for Cassie witnessing the miracle of birth if for no other reason than I'm sure her expressions would have been priceless. However, I had a bleeding archeologist and a lumpy CMO on my hands, so a stray cat having kittens under my desk just didn't hold that much appeal. "Now, can we please get this show on the road." I groused as I tried to herd everyone out of the office and through the front door.

* * *

We made it to the mountain and down to the infirmary without too much difficulty, although there were quite a few surprised glances and the occasional whispered "ouch" as my band of merry travelers reached our destination. The members of the SGC might be used to us coming back from a mission bleeding, limping, and holding each other up for support, but to come in like this when we were off duty was something else entirely, not to mention an injured Doc was a rare sight.

As soon as we entered the infirmary, Doc went into full Napoleonic mode, ordering me to help Daniel to his usual bed and turning to glare at Carter daring her to say one word now that we were firmly in her territory. I managed to get Daniel seated on his bed, which wasn't easy since he didn't think he needed to be here and he kept asking why he had to be X-rayed and not Janet. Before I had a chance to answer him, Dr. Warner came in took one look at Doc's face and asked if he could speak to her privately. I glanced over at Carter and she was grinning like the proverbial Cheshire cat. Guess I wasn't the only one who knew Doc was fixin to become a patient in her own infirmary. 

However, the gloating that I was so looking forward to was obviously gonna have to wait as the doors to the infirmary swung open and General Hammond stormed in, took one look at Daniel and Doc, turned toward me and asked rather loudly, "Colonel, what the hell happened to Dr. Jackson and Dr. Frasier?" 

"Well, Sir," I replied, "just your average SG-1 game of volleyball with a stray and pregnant cat thrown in for good measure."

Now, you would think General Hammond would do more than shake his head and mutter something along the lines of, "only your team, Jack." But he didn't, just turned toward Warner and asked to be kept informed. I'm not sure, but I think as he headed back to his office he also mentioned that we would be the death of him yet. 

So while Daniel was getting his ankle X-rayed and Doc was undergoing both X-rays and CAT scans (God! I love it when I'm right) Carter and Teal'c took Cassie to the commissary to get something to eat, and I went to make a few phone calls.

The test results all came back negative, Daniel's ankle was sprained and severely bruised, but with no damage to the ligaments and Doc's head and face were both fine. Both of them, though had been ordered to take it easy for a few days, and Daniel was back on crutches. They also each had a sack with pain meds and Daniel had an antibiotic to take as a precaution against infection from the cat scratch. That taken care of, we headed back to my house to try and salvage what was left of our bar-b-que. 

When we got back to the house, everyone immediately headed for the office to check on the stray, which brings us back to the beginning of this rather long story. Ya remember those phones calls I made? Well, apparently that was where I made my first mistake.

It would seem that calling the local animal shelter and having my neighbor let them in to take the cat and her kittens was *so* the wrong thing to do, and judging by the looks I was now getting, it might have been an act that was punishable by death, or at the very least torture. I tried to explain to everyone that Daniel had allergies and that I didn't think he needed to be around cats. Doc just looked at me and rolled her eyes . Now you'd think that *she* at least would have been on my side, but noooooo, she decided to inform me that while it's true Daniel had allergies, he was not allergic to cats and that even if he was, all she would have to do was adjust his allergy medication. How the hell was I supposed to know he wasn't allergic to cats! He's allergic to everything else and besides he has fish! You don't keep fish if you're gonna keep cats, not unless you're using the fish to feed the cats.

"Ja'k, don be an asth!" Now I have heard that particular comment enough to know that what our dear linguist actually meant was "Jack, don't be an ass" but with his lip swollen and the effects of the pain meds setting in, it came out rather slurred. Mistake number two. I laughed. This little slip up on my part only managed to intensify the evil looks I was getting.

"Look," I started, trying to regain some sort of peace in my house. "Even if Daniel isn't allergic to cats, keeping one is definitely out of the question. We're never home for cryin out loud, and Daniel, you know as well as I do that you can't manage to keep your fish alive, how are you going to take care of a cat and kittens?" I stood a little straighter as I waited for the truth and wisdom of my words to sink in. Unfortunately, that wasn't gonna happen today.

"No one thaid *you* had to keef dem Ja'k. I tho have my own houthse now and I'm thure I could geth the neighborsh to helf out now and then," Daniel slurred

"Plus, I could always drive over and help out." Cassie chimed in.

I couldn't believe this. "Daniel!" I said, "after that little incident with Osiris, your neighbors are staying the hell away from you *AND* all your crazy friends, and Carter, before you volunteer your house, may I remind you that *your* neighbors have yet to forget that little incident with Orlin, which resulted in them all being asked to leave their homes, in the dead of night, no less! Doc, you and Cassie have a dog, a dog I might add that hates cats and takes every opportunity to tree the one that lives next door to you. Teal'c, you live on base and *I* don't want a cat!" 

This is the point where Cassie and Daniel both wrapped their arms around their waists and started looking at me through their lashes, and Teal'c took a few steps closer to Daniel.

Now, while all of this was taking place, Carter had been on the phone with the animal shelter trying to find out was exactly was going to happen to the cats that I had so ruthlessly tossed out. 

As she hung up the phone, I could tell that she was not a happy camper. She walked over to where Daniel was, placed her hand on his upper back and began making little circles. She then glanced at Teal'c briefly before turning her angry face toward me.

"Sir," she began, "the animal shelter said that unless someone was willing to take the mother and all 6 of her kittens, then they would have no choice but to put them down. They don't have the resources to keep an animal for longer than a week to ten days, and as I'm sure you're aware, the kittens need to stay with their mother for at least 4 weeks, preferably six."

Okay, didn't see that coming. So here I stand looking at the faces of my accusers when my eyes land on Daniel, who is now chewing his lower lip which I'm sure is only going to make it hurt that much more. As I stand here staring at Daniel, it suddenly occurs to me that he probably never had a real pet. He spent the majority of his childhood being passed back and forth like some stray animal that no one wanted to take the time to love.

Damn!

I reach into my pocket and tug my keys out, turn and head for the door.

"Sir?" Carter begins, "Where are you going?"

I turn to look at my 2IC and reply through gritted teeth. "Where the hell do you think I'm going Carter? I'm going to get that damn cat and her babies. One kitten Daniel, do you hear me? Just one. We'll find homes for the rest." I wonder what the General will say when he sees the notice for free kittens and one grown cat on the commissary bulletin board?


End file.
